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November 11, 2008

GOOG: We Will Sue You to $2 per share

Google Inc:

I present this missive on behalf of Mr. Coleman who is still able to manage the occasional communiques to our illustrious Home Office despite having sealed himself in an underground bunker in an undisclosed location (in Fresno.)

Mr. Coleman is concerned that the 2 shares he purchased in your company have lost significant value this week and that his empire is crumbling due to your company's mismanagement. While Birnbaum Coleman and Turchynsky will admit to Mr. Coleman entertaining some "alternative" notions about the current state of the world, we must demand that you compensate Mr. Coleman for the amount he has lost in the form of Happy Meals. These meals are to be delivered, pre-cooked and frozen, to our new mobile offices behind the Kragen Auto Parts store on Western. I have been assure that Mr. Coleman owns a freezer in which he shall be able to store his dividend.

The choice is yours, Goons: Submit happy meals and increase your stock price or we remove Google Ads from our often visited site and begin searching for everything with Yahoo--surely sending your stock plummeting even further.

Merry Gatesmas,

NOTE: Information is provided 'as is' and solely for informational the rare event of an erection lasting more than 4 hours, seek immediate medical help to avoid long-term injury.

Posted by Z. BIRNBAUM at 12:44 PM | Comments (0)

November 10, 2008

More Adrienne Bailon Photos


While it is rare that our financially sound and well known firm do so-called "pro bono" work, we (meaning Mr.Coleman and I, Zac Birnbaum as well as our associates, ex-girlfriends, trophy wives, weed carriers and other gravy train passengers) have been moved to act against the recent violation against one Adrienne Bailon of the Cheetah Girls fame. The thugs who stole her laptop computer and have circulated photos of this innocent woman in compromising positions and poses in various states of undress must and will be brought to justice--a task our fine firm, along with various temporary assigns and unpaid interns will be more than happy to undertake.

To said thugs I say this: While your actions shall no go unpunished, we may be persuaded to go easy on you should you provide full resolution and uncensored versions of said imagery (or link thereto) so that we may access your level of repentance. Submit these items at once or you shall wish I was never unleashed from the warm womb of Shira Birnbaum.


Z. Birnbaum

Posted by Z. BIRNBAUM at 10:45 AM | Comments (0)

August 24, 2007

Verizon's So-Called "Test Man" Exposed


For the record I submit new evidence, which my firm, Birnbaum Coleman & Turchynsky has recently acquired, proving Verizon, its assigns, baby mamas, party jokes and myriad brown nosers to be, clearly, a set of devious criminals simply begging for their buttocks to be reddened by the stern hand of Law.

You may know this individual as "Test Man," "The Verizon Guy" for those in California and the "Can you hear me know? Good!" guy to those in the South. To many, this individual represents all that is decent and, yes, legal.


However, behold this cunning trickster:


Not only does this subversive marginal (one Paul Marcarelli) have the easiest job in the(se) (United) States, but, as the evidence shows, he is satisfied squandering his fortune away in cheap hotels, smoking marijuana cigarettes, dressing up as a sailor and reaching for his genitals as if he were one Curtis Jackson aka 50 Cent.

To Mr. Marcarelli I say:


Get off the dope and submit adequately chilled lager, appropriate accompanying foodstuffs and a clean Dutch harlot to our expansive offices at once (or, at least, by Monday) lest we release the remainder of the series (with, of course, the joint permission of Robert Blake and Chaka Kahn) which you and I both know is LESS than flattering.

Yours in Christ,


Posted by Z. BIRNBAUM at 08:59 AM | Comments (0)

December 20, 2005

FOX - Cancel 'Arrested Development' or Suffer Our Throbbing Wrath


Fox Goons:

You and your assigns must somehow believe I am joking when I say that your depiction of BOB LOBLAW in the so-called "comedy" serial ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT, is in violation of several sections of the California Code of Civil Procedure. Make no mistake, SIRS, not only am I, Zac Birnbaum, no said "joking" but my firm and it's associates, which may or may not include Nabisco, Rite-Aid and GlaxoSmithKlein, intend to open additional cases against M. Hurwitz, R. Howard and S.Baio for their uses of my likeness without prior permission or compensation.

While you may think it funny, "BOB LOBLAW LAW BLOG" is quite the opposite for the aformentioned. It is the nail in the coffin for all involved and Birnbaumaco holds the hammer. Furthermore, LOBLAW'S SITE is not only poorly designed but contains not a fraction of the legal advice and information found on this website.

Did you think we would sit idly by while this, - a vital legal information portal, is used as a throwaway line on a television situation comedy serial? Come On!

Provide high end alcohol and blackmailable strippers to the Rite-Aid parking lot at once or we sue every hair off Ron Howard's head.

Best wishes for a happy and prosperous New Year,


©The Paper Magic Group, Inc. 20 assorted cards. MADE IN USA.

Posted by Z. BIRNBAUM at 11:49 AM | Comments (0)

October 19, 2005

Mr. Hussein, Cease Your Mockery Of Sean Connery At Once.

Mr. Saddam Hussein al-Majid:

As if my firm, ("The Firm") weren't excessively booked, this morning's routine of reviewing my backlog of messages revealed this disturbing plea from Sean Connery, a valued client and dear friend:


During a thorough fact checking engagement, taking advantage of the safety and anonymity provided by the Los Angeles Public Library (or "LAPL") internet kiosks, I was appalled to come across yet another of your vile attempts to both mock and appropriate the well rehearsed and masterfully executed pantomimes of said Connery as displayed on the so-called "Yahoo! News" interface (to which The Firm is a subscriber in good standing) and shown below:

EXHIBIT A - The "You're the man now, dog" pose.

SIR! The slaughtering of scores of Shi'ite Muslims is one thing. But ridicule of Sean Connery is quite another. This firm will NOT sit idly by and watch as you callously appropriate many of Mr. Connery's signature gestures and expressions, obviously in a bid to receive a lesser sentence by shrewdly playing upon the love all Iraqi people have for Mr. Connery.

My client, aforementioned Connery, demands that he be adequately compensated by said "you" (or, in the case that said "you" are hung, your estate) for each and every offense akin to that described herein. Furthermore, this firm shall be granted a large portion of such a settlement which we demand be forwarded immediately as a security deposit.

Happy holidays,

NOTE: When sending payment, please use the P.O. box rather than the beverly hills address as our bustling mailroom is currently under renovation.

Posted by Z. BIRNBAUM at 09:35 AM | Comments (0)

October 10, 2005

SAFEWAY/VONS, Your "Customer Service" Could Constitute Harassment.

Vons/Safeway, Inc.
8060 S. Kyrene Rd.
Tempe, AZ 85284

To whom it may concern:

As a frequent acquirer of various goods at your so-called “Vons” establishments and Club Card holder in good standing, I have composed this missive to express my outrage at the atrocious customer service it has been my misfortune to experience at your stores. Said customer service, quite possibly, constitutes harassment as defined in section 527.6. of the California Code of Civil Procedure.

Specifically, I refer to the practice of your employees, who are obviously coerced by your management arm, tracking my movements througout the store, asking, at irregular intervals, and I quote: “Are you finding everything ok?” I may be harassed in this way anywhere between six (6) to ten (X) times during any given shopping venture at your stores.

This psychological assault is furthermore escalated by your poor choice of ambient music which is criminally devoid of any and all songs by Dexy’s Midnight Runners and is peppered with subliminal messages, delivered by a deceptively cheery female announcer, luring me to various parts of the establishment with promises of superior, reasonably priced Safeway goods, where, inevitably, another employee awaits to ask if I, Zac Birnbaum, and “finding everything ok, sir” thereby repeating this sick cycle of customer service abuse.

As if the acts described herein is not enough, I am inevitably required by your cashiers to swipe my Club Card long before the Electronic Club Card Reading Device (“ECCRD”) is prepared to accept such action. This, the final tier of mental aggression, is capped by one your seemingly innocuous packaging representatives asking if I need “help out, Mr. Birnbaum” when I am clearly in good health and able to handle such a task without assistance.

These blatant offenses have caused me incalculable pain and suffering for which I demand to be compensated in the form of (1) vouchers which shall be redeemable at your establishments for any and all goods, including alcoholic beverages; (2) your inclusion of songs from the album TOO-TYE-AY in your in store playlists and (3) your assurance that all customer service representatives remain at least 10 (ten) feet away from unless I choose to first engage them.

I hope we can come to a fair settlement in this matter and that escalation will not be necessary.



Posted by Z. BIRNBAUM at 10:18 AM | Comments (0)

October 07, 2005



Due to the current renovation of the universally coveted offices my firm, Birnbaum Coleman & Turchynsky, inhabits, I have been forced to temporarily conduct my business from my mobile office in the parking lot near the Rite-Aid. To this end I have recently acquired the HP Deskjet 450 mobile printer from your company which is said to deliver, and I quote, "high-performance printing anytime, anywhere." We (which may include P. Diddy) find this statement to be grossly untrue!! The unbearable din of the printer not only caused me severe pain and suffering but also alerted the night security guard, forcing me to relocate said Corolla. Unable to find suitable parking elsewhere, I was forced to wait until morning which greatly offset my tight schedule, costing my well-established firm countless dollars, much to the chagrin of Coleman who, while being all about his money, has larger concerns.

Your false advertising, HP, is in direct violation of California's Business and Professions Code and we intend to sue for damages unless we are provided compensation for your blunders. Said compensation shall include, but not be limited to, (1) adequate office space in your building which we shall have access to 24 hours a day and seven (XII) days per week (“24/7”) until such time as we are able to inhibit our own overpriced, yet downtown, offices again; (2) an agreed upon amount of unused white paper and adequate toner for the time specified;and (4) malt liquor, chilled to our liking and delivered to our aforementioned surrogate offices by noon each day for the duration of our stay.

Unless you enjoy severe, prologed agony delivered without remorse, you will comply at once. Your lack of response here shall be evidence of acceptance of the terms herein.




Posted by Z. BIRNBAUM at 09:47 AM | Comments (0)

October 04, 2005



Dear Fox Swine:

It in incomprehensible to me, Zachary Birnbaum, that even with the outstanding cases against you and your loss in the recent battle with Birnbaum Coleman & Turchynsky, you continue to proceed with your blatant smear campaign against me with seemingly no remorse.

One of my many associates, which include, but are not limited to, ViaComm, Kristy McNichol and Dennis Farina, as well as their drinking buddies, various corporate sponsors and weed carriers, have recently alerted me to yet another one of your attempts to caricature me in one of your television modules just this past Monday.

This time it is in the form of one BOB LOBLAW, who appears in your otherwise legally compliant ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT programme. While this foul snake does not even come close to capturing the Birnbaum Essence, you are once again in violation of section 3344.1 of California's Code of Civil Procedure by basing your character on me without providing proper compensation.

Furthermore, I am appalled that you would overlook such obvious choices as Russell Crowe or Matt Dillon and, instead, lazily settle on Scott Baio to portray me. This has led to further pain and suffering for which my Client, one Z. Birnbaum, WILL be compensated.

Are you mad? Have you not learned from your beloved HEAD CASES abomination? and the consequences which you suffered therefrom?? Our long, hard legal apperatus shut you down for that heinous crime and we shall not hesitate to do so again. This is a warning, cease and desist your attempt at mockery and provide adequate monetary compensation, chilled lager and FAMILY GUY Digital Versatile Discs (or "DVDs") or you shall feel our unlubricated legal fist once again, SIRS!




Posted by Z. BIRNBAUM at 03:37 PM | Comments (0)

September 15, 2005

FOX: Your Unabashed Plagiarism has not gone unnoticed!

TO: Bill Chais, Peter Elkoff and Jeff Rake, creators of the HEAD CASES television serial, their assigns, weed carriers and sex partners on the so-called "downlow"

It has recently come to the attention of my firm, Birnbaum Coleman & Turchynsky, that you have, just last evening, premiered HEAD CASES, a program which is not only offensive to all in the legal profession, but, in addition, attempts to caricature me, Z. Birnbaum, in the form of one Russell Shultz, played (so-called) "over the top" by the otherwise talented and Adam Goldberg. This flimsy attempt at mockery is, no doubt, in response to our previous case against you (see The People vs. Fox); but, by not first securing the rights to my story, you are now in violation of section 3344 of The California Civil Code, an excerpt of which follows:

(a) Any person who knowingly uses another's name, voice, signature, photograph, or likeness, in any manner, on or in products, merchandise, or goods, or for purposes of advertising or selling, or soliciting purchases of, products, merchandise, goods or services, without such person's prior consent, or, in the case of a minor, the prior consent of his parent or legal guardian, shall be liable for any damages sustained by the person or persons injured as a result thereof. In addition, in any action brought under this section, the person who violated the section shall be liable to the injured party or parties in an amount equal to the greater of seven hundred fifty dollars ($750) or the actual damages suffered by him or her as a result of the unauthorized use. The prevailing party in any action under this section shall also be entitled to attorney's fees and costs.

Our firm is deeply disappointed that you should be so bold as to think that you could distill my essence into the character of aforementioned said Shultz (AKA (also known as "also known as") said Goldberg), the character of whom has the three-dimensionality of a post-it note. But it is baffling that you should attempt to carry out your crime with no compensation to me — in plain view of the nation and on a weekly basis no less.

Had you been on better terms with our luminescent organization, SIRS, we may have settled for the seven hundred and fifty dollars ($7(VII) 50.00 USD) and the usual fruit baskets, cocktails, high-end whores and other bumflufferies. However, since you have ignored our previous notices and attempt to smear my fine character, you shall be sued until you are of UHF frequency.

Your only chance to save your organization from this static is to take the following actions:

(1) Comply with our previous demands, by removing those "programs," as well as this current abomination, from your schedule;

(2) Remit to our firm generous complimentary samples from all sponsors featured during the Broadcast including, but not limited to, Taco Bell, The Olive Garden, Budweiser and Jack in the Box as well as any and all episodes of "24" which are currently available on digital versatile disc format;

(3) Detain Chris O'Donnell in a dark room without food or "alternative" music until further notice.

Birnbaum out,


Posted by Z. BIRNBAUM at 09:23 AM | Comments (0)

August 15, 2005

The People vs.


In brief, my Client and it's various associates which include, but are not limited to, Dermot Mulroney, Sea Org, The Los Feliz Neighborhood Association and the Ye Rustic Inn as well as their various baby mamas, hangers on, groupies, prospective employees and myriad bitches, are collectively appalled and insulted by your lack of adequate customer service.

May I remind you, SIRS, that your Better Business Rating (BBB) is, at the time of this writing, so-called "unsatisfactory" which automatically disqualifies this matter as being one of a personal nature.

We shall sue out of you, before long, a working customer service number, which shall be functional (1) for all twenty-four (“24;” “XXIV”) hours of the day; and (2) for all seven days of the week (known herein as “24/7” – a term coined, most likely by an unknown African-American individual who, if discovered by us, shall certainly sue you, in a separate case, for certain licensing rights.)

I am Zac Birnbaum, of the Staten Island Birnbaums of the same name and, unless approved by one Sting, I shall not tolerate any delay in being services as a customer.



Posted by Z. BIRNBAUM at 09:58 AM | Comments (0)