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September 04, 2003

The People v. Quizno's


Zac's Legal Shack is in the business of suing people. We are unconcerned with toasted bread (unless, of course, it is included in part of a settlement and accompanied by spreadable fruit and/or some sort of soft cheese).

Your comments Re: Toasted Subs are libelous and in direct violation of Sec 31265 (c) of The California Civil Code. In addition, our firm has learned that the musical gerbils used to hawk your substandard victuals were grossly underpaid, albeithighly talented, resulting in several violations of the California Fish and Game Code.

Furthermore, your attempts to insult our fine firm, which boasts several toasters positioned strategically throughout our shiny halls, affording us as much toasted bread as we desire, has thoroughly upset Mr. Coleman.

We intend to sue as soon as temporary employees can be arranged and offered juice and, yes, toast.

However, you can avoid such action by providing one (one) loaf of Ezekiel 4:9 organic bread, 1 jar of guava jelly, a reasonable amount of Tang instant breakfast drink, and an exotic dancer who understands English.

We sue or chew, the choice is yours.

Best wishes,

Z. Birnbaum

NOTE: In the unlikely event that Tang cannot be procured, please be advised that Mr. Coleman is also fond of Strawberry Quik. Keep out of reach of children et al.

Posted by Zachary Birnbaum at 09:24 AM | Comments (0)