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June 17, 2004

I am Zac Birnbaum of the Staten Island Birnbaums!!!

We (which shall mean my past, present and future Clients, significant others, life partners, domesticated animals and bitches) wish to inform you that your statements are slanderous, libelous and have generated a massive lawsuit withing the offices our entity inhabits. We have temps on Golden Time. And we have arranged for them to eat steak!

However, we will accept Glenfiddisch or however you spell it.

All my love,

Z. Birnbaum

(NOTE: Please red instructions before attempting to operate the so-called "Hello Kitty Vibrating Massager". Batteries not included.)

Posted by Zachary Birnbaum at 10:28 AM | Comments (0)

June 14, 2004

AOL: Harassment is against the law!

Let me start by saying that we are flattered that you hold our firm, Birnbaum Coleman & Turchynsky, in such high regard as to offer us complimentary use of your service for no charge. While BC&T is consistently recognized by several entities, primarily those in the food service and adult entertainment sectors, yours is the first internet company to directly court us, no doubt due to our exceptional legal girth.

That being said, it quickly became evident that, because we have chosen not to subscribe to your service (a conflict of interest presents itself as Mr. Coleman is under contract with Net Zero), you have escalated your efforts from those of polite, mail-based overtures to strong arm tactics which constitute postal harassment which in violation of Section 527.6 of California's Code of Civil Procedure.

Please be advised that we have, in our possession, 73 AOL compact discs (or "CDs"), all of which are taking space in our gleaming offices. Due to BC&T's stance on preserving the environment, we are unable to properly dispose of said discs. Furthermore, Mr. Coleman has taken to using these discs as Frisbees™, disrupting our normal business operations costing us countless billable hours.

In compensation for our losses, we demand that you remit, in cash, the fair market value of the cumulative hours offered to us which is, by our count, 29,200 hours or 30.4 months of service or a total of seven hundred and eight dollars and seventy-one cents ($708.71 USD). Furthermore, we demand that you cease your constant harassment in the form of these seemingly benevolent monthly packages or we shall be forced to escalate.

It is our assumption that your have produced 100 (C) of these packages and may be at a loss of where to send the remaining twenty (XX)-seven. Our advice, which is hereby administered pro bono, is that you send the remaining 27 discs to some other worthy recipient — perhaps an impoverished family or high-school aged teen with promise — who may better embrace your service.



ADDENDUM: One Paula Birnbaum, a subscriber to your service and matron of the Birnbaum bloodline, has requested that I inform you that she cannot print. We trust you will attend to this matter at once.

Posted by Zachary Birnbaum at 09:44 AM | Comments (0)