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August 15, 2005

The People vs. 1and1.com

Gentlemen,

In brief, my Client and it's various associates which include, but are not limited to, Dermot Mulroney, Sea Org, The Los Feliz Neighborhood Association and the Ye Rustic Inn as well as their various baby mamas, hangers on, groupies, prospective employees and myriad bitches, are collectively appalled and insulted by your lack of adequate customer service.

May I remind you, SIRS, that your Better Business Rating (BBB) is, at the time of this writing, so-called "unsatisfactory" which automatically disqualifies this matter as being one of a personal nature.

We shall sue out of you, before long, a working customer service number, which shall be functional (1) for all twenty-four (“24;” “XXIV”) hours of the day; and (2) for all seven days of the week (known herein as “24/7” – a term coined, most likely by an unknown African-American individual who, if discovered by us, shall certainly sue you, in a separate case, for certain licensing rights.)

I am Zac Birnbaum, of the Staten Island Birnbaums of the same name and, unless approved by one Sting, I shall not tolerate any delay in being services as a customer.

Namaste,

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Z. BIRNBAUM

Posted by Zachary Birnbaum at 09:58 AM | Comments (0)

August 07, 2005

Furthermore,

My organization, Birnbaum Coleman & Turchynsky, in association with various others, including, but not limited to Rite-Aid, Pfizzer and The Pabbst Brewing Company, as well as thier domesticated animals, weed carriers and various corporate sponsors, including, but in no way limited to (2) The Miller Brewing Company and Hostes Cakes, are appalled at your incessant harassment via this virtual interface(VI). My Client utilizes this ECI for information and self-manipulation, NOT to be hunted like some hooved, grass-fed beast.

Your statements have been found to be in direct violation of Sec 733(c) if The California Fish and Game Code.You have engaged in the most heinous form of libel and shall pay with either blood or money. Your comments are slanderous!!

Therefore, we intend to sue you to the bone.

We have put several unanswered calls into Aquent Staffing and, as soon as arrangements are made, many Temporary employess shall arrive at our gleaming offices to consume organic fruit juice blends and whole grain cakes. When this is completed, they shall be utilized in mounting a legal campaign against you which is sure to leave you sore (however sated and , yet, begging for more.) While many of our loyal assigns MAY be "out sick" - we can guarantee nothing but swift justice and your attempt to ease yourself out of the path of our eminent wrath is pointless.

However, you may be spared such disgrace (and various late fees) by remitting the following to our gleaming, high-prices offices at once: 4 packages of Grape Pop Rocks, as much oxycontin, lorcet, hydrocodone and Chipotle Doritos™ as you can manage, an exotic dancer who understands english and a remote to the APEX A230-B DVD player remote control device (WITH the appropriate batteries.)

Its your choice. Bow down and lick our expensive and well polished shoes or down in legal imbroglio.

Please refrain from comments that may anger or upset my Client, the current and ex girlfriends of said Client and their assigns and/or appointees. We sincerely hope that we can resolve this issue in a manner pleasing to one Yaphet Kotto.

Cheers,

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Z. BIRNBAUM

CONTEST RULES: THE ABOVE STATEMENT SHALL NOT BE CONSTRUED AS ONE OF FACT NOR SHALL SAID STATEMENT BE IN ANY WAY BECOME INTANGLED WITH SO-CALLED PFIZER'S NEW LINE OF PENILE ANTIDEPRESSANTS (AS SPECIFIED BY THE AFORMENTIONED CONTRACT, HEREIN AND HEREAFTER REFERRED TO AS CONTRACT.

Posted by Zachary Birnbaum at 01:19 AM | Comments (0)