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September 15, 2005

FOX: Your Unabashed Plagiarism has not gone unnoticed!

TO: Bill Chais, Peter Elkoff and Jeff Rake, creators of the HEAD CASES television serial, their assigns, weed carriers and sex partners on the so-called "downlow"

It has recently come to the attention of my firm, Birnbaum Coleman & Turchynsky, that you have, just last evening, premiered HEAD CASES, a program which is not only offensive to all in the legal profession, but, in addition, attempts to caricature me, Z. Birnbaum, in the form of one Russell Shultz, played (so-called) "over the top" by the otherwise talented and Adam Goldberg. This flimsy attempt at mockery is, no doubt, in response to our previous case against you (see The People vs. Fox); but, by not first securing the rights to my story, you are now in violation of section 3344 of The California Civil Code, an excerpt of which follows:

(a) Any person who knowingly uses another's name, voice, signature, photograph, or likeness, in any manner, on or in products, merchandise, or goods, or for purposes of advertising or selling, or soliciting purchases of, products, merchandise, goods or services, without such person's prior consent, or, in the case of a minor, the prior consent of his parent or legal guardian, shall be liable for any damages sustained by the person or persons injured as a result thereof. In addition, in any action brought under this section, the person who violated the section shall be liable to the injured party or parties in an amount equal to the greater of seven hundred fifty dollars ($750) or the actual damages suffered by him or her as a result of the unauthorized use. The prevailing party in any action under this section shall also be entitled to attorney's fees and costs.

Our firm is deeply disappointed that you should be so bold as to think that you could distill my essence into the character of aforementioned said Shultz (AKA (also known as "also known as") said Goldberg), the character of whom has the three-dimensionality of a post-it note. But it is baffling that you should attempt to carry out your crime with no compensation to me — in plain view of the nation and on a weekly basis no less.

Had you been on better terms with our luminescent organization, SIRS, we may have settled for the seven hundred and fifty dollars ($7(VII) 50.00 USD) and the usual fruit baskets, cocktails, high-end whores and other bumflufferies. However, since you have ignored our previous notices and attempt to smear my fine character, you shall be sued until you are of UHF frequency.

Your only chance to save your organization from this static is to take the following actions:

(1) Comply with our previous demands, by removing those "programs," as well as this current abomination, from your schedule;

(2) Remit to our firm generous complimentary samples from all sponsors featured during the Broadcast including, but not limited to, Taco Bell, The Olive Garden, Budweiser and Jack in the Box as well as any and all episodes of "24" which are currently available on digital versatile disc format;

(3) Detain Chris O'Donnell in a dark room without food or "alternative" music until further notice.

Birnbaum out,


Posted by Zachary Birnbaum | September 15, 2005 09:23 AM