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October 07, 2005

HEWLETT-PACKARD = SHAMELESSS FRAUDS!


TO HEWLETT-PACKARD (AKA “HP”), IT'S ASSIGNS AND BABY DADDIES:

Due to the current renovation of the universally coveted offices my firm, Birnbaum Coleman & Turchynsky, inhabits, I have been forced to temporarily conduct my business from my mobile office in the parking lot near the Rite-Aid. To this end I have recently acquired the HP Deskjet 450 mobile printer from your company which is said to deliver, and I quote, "high-performance printing anytime, anywhere." We (which may include P. Diddy) find this statement to be grossly untrue!! The unbearable din of the printer not only caused me severe pain and suffering but also alerted the night security guard, forcing me to relocate said Corolla. Unable to find suitable parking elsewhere, I was forced to wait until morning which greatly offset my tight schedule, costing my well-established firm countless dollars, much to the chagrin of Coleman who, while being all about his money, has larger concerns.

Your false advertising, HP, is in direct violation of California's Business and Professions Code and we intend to sue for damages unless we are provided compensation for your blunders. Said compensation shall include, but not be limited to, (1) adequate office space in your building which we shall have access to 24 hours a day and seven (XII) days per week (“24/7”) until such time as we are able to inhibit our own overpriced, yet downtown, offices again; (2) an agreed upon amount of unused white paper and adequate toner for the time specified;and (4) malt liquor, chilled to our liking and delivered to our aforementioned surrogate offices by noon each day for the duration of our stay.

Unless you enjoy severe, prologed agony delivered without remorse, you will comply at once. Your lack of response here shall be evidence of acceptance of the terms herein.

Sincerely,

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Z. BIRNBAUM


PLEASE NOTE: IN LEUI OF AFOREMENTIONED DELIVERABLES, WE WILL MOST CERTAINLY ACCEPT BOXED WINE AND MODEST AA APPROVED MOTEL ROOMS. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. UNACCEPTABLE!

Posted by Zachary Birnbaum | October 7, 2005 09:47 AM