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October 19, 2005

Mr. Hussein, Cease Your Mockery Of Sean Connery At Once.


Mr. Saddam Hussein al-Majid:


As if my firm, ("The Firm") weren't excessively booked, this morning's routine of reviewing my backlog of messages revealed this disturbing plea from Sean Connery, a valued client and dear friend:


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During a thorough fact checking engagement, taking advantage of the safety and anonymity provided by the Los Angeles Public Library (or "LAPL") internet kiosks, I was appalled to come across yet another of your vile attempts to both mock and appropriate the well rehearsed and masterfully executed pantomimes of said Connery as displayed on the so-called "Yahoo! News" interface (to which The Firm is a subscriber in good standing) and shown below:



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EXHIBIT A - The "You're the man now, dog" pose.


SIR! The slaughtering of scores of Shi'ite Muslims is one thing. But ridicule of Sean Connery is quite another. This firm will NOT sit idly by and watch as you callously appropriate many of Mr. Connery's signature gestures and expressions, obviously in a bid to receive a lesser sentence by shrewdly playing upon the love all Iraqi people have for Mr. Connery.

My client, aforementioned Connery, demands that he be adequately compensated by said "you" (or, in the case that said "you" are hung, your estate) for each and every offense akin to that described herein. Furthermore, this firm shall be granted a large portion of such a settlement which we demand be forwarded immediately as a security deposit.

Happy holidays,
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Z. BIRNBAUM



NOTE: When sending payment, please use the P.O. box rather than the beverly hills address as our bustling mailroom is currently under renovation.

Posted by Zachary Birnbaum at 09:35 AM | Comments (0)

October 10, 2005

SAFEWAY/VONS, Your "Customer Service" Could Constitute Harassment.


Vons/Safeway, Inc.
8060 S. Kyrene Rd.
Tempe, AZ 85284


To whom it may concern:

As a frequent acquirer of various goods at your so-called “Vons” establishments and Club Card holder in good standing, I have composed this missive to express my outrage at the atrocious customer service it has been my misfortune to experience at your stores. Said customer service, quite possibly, constitutes harassment as defined in section 527.6. of the California Code of Civil Procedure.

Specifically, I refer to the practice of your employees, who are obviously coerced by your management arm, tracking my movements througout the store, asking, at irregular intervals, and I quote: “Are you finding everything ok?” I may be harassed in this way anywhere between six (6) to ten (X) times during any given shopping venture at your stores.

This psychological assault is furthermore escalated by your poor choice of ambient music which is criminally devoid of any and all songs by Dexy’s Midnight Runners and is peppered with subliminal messages, delivered by a deceptively cheery female announcer, luring me to various parts of the establishment with promises of superior, reasonably priced Safeway goods, where, inevitably, another employee awaits to ask if I, Zac Birnbaum, and “finding everything ok, sir” thereby repeating this sick cycle of customer service abuse.

As if the acts described herein is not enough, I am inevitably required by your cashiers to swipe my Club Card long before the Electronic Club Card Reading Device (“ECCRD”) is prepared to accept such action. This, the final tier of mental aggression, is capped by one your seemingly innocuous packaging representatives asking if I need “help out, Mr. Birnbaum” when I am clearly in good health and able to handle such a task without assistance.

These blatant offenses have caused me incalculable pain and suffering for which I demand to be compensated in the form of (1) vouchers which shall be redeemable at your establishments for any and all goods, including alcoholic beverages; (2) your inclusion of songs from the album TOO-TYE-AY in your in store playlists and (3) your assurance that all customer service representatives remain at least 10 (ten) feet away from unless I choose to first engage them.

I hope we can come to a fair settlement in this matter and that escalation will not be necessary.

Sincerely,

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Z. BIRNBAUM




Posted by Zachary Birnbaum at 10:18 AM | Comments (0)

October 07, 2005

HEWLETT-PACKARD = SHAMELESSS FRAUDS!


TO HEWLETT-PACKARD (AKA “HP”), IT'S ASSIGNS AND BABY DADDIES:

Due to the current renovation of the universally coveted offices my firm, Birnbaum Coleman & Turchynsky, inhabits, I have been forced to temporarily conduct my business from my mobile office in the parking lot near the Rite-Aid. To this end I have recently acquired the HP Deskjet 450 mobile printer from your company which is said to deliver, and I quote, "high-performance printing anytime, anywhere." We (which may include P. Diddy) find this statement to be grossly untrue!! The unbearable din of the printer not only caused me severe pain and suffering but also alerted the night security guard, forcing me to relocate said Corolla. Unable to find suitable parking elsewhere, I was forced to wait until morning which greatly offset my tight schedule, costing my well-established firm countless dollars, much to the chagrin of Coleman who, while being all about his money, has larger concerns.

Your false advertising, HP, is in direct violation of California's Business and Professions Code and we intend to sue for damages unless we are provided compensation for your blunders. Said compensation shall include, but not be limited to, (1) adequate office space in your building which we shall have access to 24 hours a day and seven (XII) days per week (“24/7”) until such time as we are able to inhibit our own overpriced, yet downtown, offices again; (2) an agreed upon amount of unused white paper and adequate toner for the time specified;and (4) malt liquor, chilled to our liking and delivered to our aforementioned surrogate offices by noon each day for the duration of our stay.

Unless you enjoy severe, prologed agony delivered without remorse, you will comply at once. Your lack of response here shall be evidence of acceptance of the terms herein.

Sincerely,

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Z. BIRNBAUM


PLEASE NOTE: IN LEUI OF AFOREMENTIONED DELIVERABLES, WE WILL MOST CERTAINLY ACCEPT BOXED WINE AND MODEST AA APPROVED MOTEL ROOMS. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. UNACCEPTABLE!

Posted by Zachary Birnbaum at 09:47 AM | Comments (0)

October 04, 2005

Fox, BOB LOBLAW IS INSULTING, INACCURATE AND ILLEGAL!

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Dear Fox Swine:


It in incomprehensible to me, Zachary Birnbaum, that even with the outstanding cases against you and your loss in the recent battle with Birnbaum Coleman & Turchynsky, you continue to proceed with your blatant smear campaign against me with seemingly no remorse.

One of my many associates, which include, but are not limited to, ViaComm, Kristy McNichol and Dennis Farina, as well as their drinking buddies, various corporate sponsors and weed carriers, have recently alerted me to yet another one of your attempts to caricature me in one of your television modules just this past Monday.

This time it is in the form of one BOB LOBLAW, who appears in your otherwise legally compliant ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT programme. While this foul snake does not even come close to capturing the Birnbaum Essence, you are once again in violation of section 3344.1 of California's Code of Civil Procedure by basing your character on me without providing proper compensation.

Furthermore, I am appalled that you would overlook such obvious choices as Russell Crowe or Matt Dillon and, instead, lazily settle on Scott Baio to portray me. This has led to further pain and suffering for which my Client, one Z. Birnbaum, WILL be compensated.

Are you mad? Have you not learned from your beloved HEAD CASES abomination? and the consequences which you suffered therefrom?? Our long, hard legal apperatus shut you down for that heinous crime and we shall not hesitate to do so again. This is a warning, cease and desist your attempt at mockery and provide adequate monetary compensation, chilled lager and FAMILY GUY Digital Versatile Discs (or "DVDs") or you shall feel our unlubricated legal fist once again, SIRS!


Best,

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Z. BIRNBAUM



PLEASE NOTE: FAILURE TO PROVIDE ADEQUATE EVIDENCE TO THE NIGHT MANAGER AT THE MOTEL 6 SHALL RESULT IN THE ACTIONS DESCRIBED IN APPENDIX II: RISK FACTORS OF GENITAL PIERCING. UNACCEPTABLE! OR YOUR MONEY BACK.

Posted by Zachary Birnbaum at 03:37 PM | Comments (0)