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November 11, 2008

GOOG: We Will Sue You to $2 per share

Google Inc:

I present this missive on behalf of Mr. Coleman who is still able to manage the occasional communiques to our illustrious Home Office despite having sealed himself in an underground bunker in an undisclosed location (in Fresno.)

Mr. Coleman is concerned that the 2 shares he purchased in your company have lost significant value this week and that his empire is crumbling due to your company's mismanagement. While Birnbaum Coleman and Turchynsky will admit to Mr. Coleman entertaining some "alternative" notions about the current state of the world, we must demand that you compensate Mr. Coleman for the amount he has lost in the form of Happy Meals. These meals are to be delivered, pre-cooked and frozen, to our new mobile offices behind the Kragen Auto Parts store on Western. I have been assure that Mr. Coleman owns a freezer in which he shall be able to store his dividend.

The choice is yours, Goons: Submit happy meals and increase your stock price or we remove Google Ads from our often visited site and begin searching for everything with Yahoo--surely sending your stock plummeting even further.

Merry Gatesmas,

NOTE: Information is provided 'as is' and solely for informational purposes.in the rare event of an erection lasting more than 4 hours, seek immediate medical help to avoid long-term injury.

Posted by Zachary Birnbaum at 12:44 PM | Comments (0)

November 10, 2008

More Adrienne Bailon Photos


While it is rare that our financially sound and well known firm do so-called "pro bono" work, we (meaning Mr.Coleman and I, Zac Birnbaum as well as our associates, ex-girlfriends, trophy wives, weed carriers and other gravy train passengers) have been moved to act against the recent violation against one Adrienne Bailon of the Cheetah Girls fame. The thugs who stole her laptop computer and have circulated photos of this innocent woman in compromising positions and poses in various states of undress must and will be brought to justice--a task our fine firm, along with various temporary assigns and unpaid interns will be more than happy to undertake.

To said thugs I say this: While your actions shall no go unpunished, we may be persuaded to go easy on you should you provide full resolution and uncensored versions of said imagery (or link thereto) so that we may access your level of repentance. Submit these items at once or you shall wish I was never unleashed from the warm womb of Shira Birnbaum.


Z. Birnbaum

Posted by Zachary Birnbaum at 10:45 AM | Comments (0)