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March 10, 2005

CURTIS JACKSON! YOU DARE THREATEN ME WITH PHYSICAL BODILY HARM???

Mr. Cent/Jackson:

On behalf of several of my close associates, which may or may not include, and are most certainly not limited to, Mr. Coleman, Bank Suise, Nas, Pfizzer, Nestleé, that born again guy from Korn and the entire State of New York, I wish to inform you that your most recent statements, made on your so-called "album" The Massacre (which shall, hereafter, be known as "THE ALBUM" or "your so-called 'album' The Massacre" or "That Wack shit which pales in comparison to Dexy's Midnight Runner's Too-Rye-Ay") has violated several sections of the the California Revenue and Taxation Code, the California Family Code and the California Penal Code as well as violating the California Civil Code almost in it's entirety.

I am greatly appalled, sir, that you choose, in your cowardice, to attack me personally, not in mine or Coleman's physical presence, but on the "Massacre" recordings, which we have in our possession. (I quote - The Quote follows:)

I'll get at you
my knife cut ya skin
I'll get at you
blow shots at ya man.


SIR! Obviously you and your no talent hoodlum assigns are oblivious to Sec. 527.6(b) of The California Civil Code which states,

"harassment" is unlawful violence, a credible threat of violence, or a knowing and willful course of conduct directed at a specific person that seriously alarms, annoys, or harasses the person, and that serves no legitimate purpose.

By my count, you have threatened to murder, harass, rob, tresspass upon my associates and me (with the exception of Abe Vigoda, for whom you must certainly harbor some private, unexplained affinity of a questionable sexual nature) 27 times during a single listen of That Wack shit which pales in comparison to Dexy's Midnight Runner's Too-Rye-Ay.

Please do not waste the time of me or my firm by denying this - we have you on tape, compact disc, as well as mp3 which, we can assure you, were, albiet reluctantly, legally purchased, making said claims.

You leave us no other choice but to sue.

Although Mr. Coleman has been secured in an underground bunker, I, Zac Birnbaum of the Staten Island Birnbaums of the same name, in order to insure that our firm can remain fully operational, remain above ground, waiting from return calls from several temp agencies throughout the city. Once assembled, said ("implied") temporary assigns will be offered refrigerated reconstituted fruit juice and some sort of simple carbohydrate before getting down to the business of mounting our case against you.

Make no mistake - "it" ("The Suit")'s on! When we are finished with you, SIR, you will be so financially emaiated that you new moniker will be literally "nothing." (Or, perhaps "May I borrow aformentioned 50 Cent.")

However, In the interest of "giving back to the community" by supporting small African-American-owned business and in order to assert our enjoyment of the signatures of said culture, including, but not limited to, lively song and dance, athletc prowess, and cheek clapping "back," we are willing to settle, should you remit a signed nude of Vivica A. Fox (or an eequivalent), $10,000 in unmarked tens and twenties and a signed apology for threats made to me on THE ("said") ALBUM.

The choice is yours, dog. Squash the beef you certainly have with our firm or we will sue you with much zeal and fury.

Warmest personal regards,

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Z. BIRNBAUM



PLEASE NOTE: IF TENS AND TWENTIES ARE A BOTHER, WE WILL ACCEPT LARGER DENOMINATIONS PENDING APPROVAL BY BOTH STING OR, IF SAID STING IS UNREACHABLE, DANNIS FARINA. A 1.5% (18% ANNUM) LATE SHALL APPLY. PLEASE SEE OUR PRIVACY POLICY.

Posted by Zachary Birnbaum | 09:14 AM | Comments (0)