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December 20, 2005

FOX - Cancel 'Arrested Development' or Suffer Our Throbbing Wrath

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Fox Goons:

You and your assigns must somehow believe I am joking when I say that your depiction of BOB LOBLAW in the so-called "comedy" serial ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT, is in violation of several sections of the California Code of Civil Procedure. Make no mistake, SIRS, not only am I, Zac Birnbaum, no said "joking" but my firm and it's associates, which may or may not include Nabisco, Rite-Aid and GlaxoSmithKlein, intend to open additional cases against M. Hurwitz, R. Howard and S.Baio for their uses of my likeness without prior permission or compensation.

While you may think it funny, "BOB LOBLAW LAW BLOG" is quite the opposite for the aformentioned. It is the nail in the coffin for all involved and Birnbaumaco holds the hammer. Furthermore, LOBLAW'S SITE is not only poorly designed but contains not a fraction of the legal advice and information found on this website.


Did you think we would sit idly by while this, http://www.zbirnbaum.com/files - a vital legal information portal, is used as a throwaway line on a television situation comedy serial? Come On!

Provide high end alcohol and blackmailable strippers to the Rite-Aid parking lot at once or we sue every hair off Ron Howard's head.

Best wishes for a happy and prosperous New Year,

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Z. BIRNBAUM



©The Paper Magic Group, Inc. 20 assorted cards. MADE IN USA.

Posted by Zachary Birnbaum | 11:49 AM | Comments (0)

October 04, 2005

Fox, BOB LOBLAW IS INSULTING, INACCURATE AND ILLEGAL!

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Dear Fox Swine:


It in incomprehensible to me, Zachary Birnbaum, that even with the outstanding cases against you and your loss in the recent battle with Birnbaum Coleman & Turchynsky, you continue to proceed with your blatant smear campaign against me with seemingly no remorse.

One of my many associates, which include, but are not limited to, ViaComm, Kristy McNichol and Dennis Farina, as well as their drinking buddies, various corporate sponsors and weed carriers, have recently alerted me to yet another one of your attempts to caricature me in one of your television modules just this past Monday.

This time it is in the form of one BOB LOBLAW, who appears in your otherwise legally compliant ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT programme. While this foul snake does not even come close to capturing the Birnbaum Essence, you are once again in violation of section 3344.1 of California's Code of Civil Procedure by basing your character on me without providing proper compensation.

Furthermore, I am appalled that you would overlook such obvious choices as Russell Crowe or Matt Dillon and, instead, lazily settle on Scott Baio to portray me. This has led to further pain and suffering for which my Client, one Z. Birnbaum, WILL be compensated.

Are you mad? Have you not learned from your beloved HEAD CASES abomination? and the consequences which you suffered therefrom?? Our long, hard legal apperatus shut you down for that heinous crime and we shall not hesitate to do so again. This is a warning, cease and desist your attempt at mockery and provide adequate monetary compensation, chilled lager and FAMILY GUY Digital Versatile Discs (or "DVDs") or you shall feel our unlubricated legal fist once again, SIRS!


Best,

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Z. BIRNBAUM



PLEASE NOTE: FAILURE TO PROVIDE ADEQUATE EVIDENCE TO THE NIGHT MANAGER AT THE MOTEL 6 SHALL RESULT IN THE ACTIONS DESCRIBED IN APPENDIX II: RISK FACTORS OF GENITAL PIERCING. UNACCEPTABLE! OR YOUR MONEY BACK.

Posted by Zachary Birnbaum | 03:37 PM | Comments (0)

September 15, 2005

FOX: Your Unabashed Plagiarism has not gone unnoticed!

TO: Bill Chais, Peter Elkoff and Jeff Rake, creators of the HEAD CASES television serial, their assigns, weed carriers and sex partners on the so-called "downlow"

It has recently come to the attention of my firm, Birnbaum Coleman & Turchynsky, that you have, just last evening, premiered HEAD CASES, a program which is not only offensive to all in the legal profession, but, in addition, attempts to caricature me, Z. Birnbaum, in the form of one Russell Shultz, played (so-called) "over the top" by the otherwise talented and Adam Goldberg. This flimsy attempt at mockery is, no doubt, in response to our previous case against you (see The People vs. Fox); but, by not first securing the rights to my story, you are now in violation of section 3344 of The California Civil Code, an excerpt of which follows:

(a) Any person who knowingly uses another's name, voice, signature, photograph, or likeness, in any manner, on or in products, merchandise, or goods, or for purposes of advertising or selling, or soliciting purchases of, products, merchandise, goods or services, without such person's prior consent, or, in the case of a minor, the prior consent of his parent or legal guardian, shall be liable for any damages sustained by the person or persons injured as a result thereof. In addition, in any action brought under this section, the person who violated the section shall be liable to the injured party or parties in an amount equal to the greater of seven hundred fifty dollars ($750) or the actual damages suffered by him or her as a result of the unauthorized use. The prevailing party in any action under this section shall also be entitled to attorney's fees and costs.

Our firm is deeply disappointed that you should be so bold as to think that you could distill my essence into the character of aforementioned said Shultz (AKA (also known as "also known as") said Goldberg), the character of whom has the three-dimensionality of a post-it note. But it is baffling that you should attempt to carry out your crime with no compensation to me — in plain view of the nation and on a weekly basis no less.

Had you been on better terms with our luminescent organization, SIRS, we may have settled for the seven hundred and fifty dollars ($7(VII) 50.00 USD) and the usual fruit baskets, cocktails, high-end whores and other bumflufferies. However, since you have ignored our previous notices and attempt to smear my fine character, you shall be sued until you are of UHF frequency.

Your only chance to save your organization from this static is to take the following actions:

(1) Comply with our previous demands, by removing those "programs," as well as this current abomination, from your schedule;

(2) Remit to our firm generous complimentary samples from all sponsors featured during the Broadcast including, but not limited to, Taco Bell, The Olive Garden, Budweiser and Jack in the Box as well as any and all episodes of "24" which are currently available on digital versatile disc format;

(3) Detain Chris O'Donnell in a dark room without food or "alternative" music until further notice.


Birnbaum out,

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Z. BIRNBAUM

Posted by Zachary Birnbaum | 09:23 AM | Comments (0)

March 19, 2005

The People vs. The Fox Broadcasting Company

SIRS!


We intend to sue you until your organization is reduced to the size and popularity of a cable access network unless you remove the so-called "entertainment" products listed below from your schedule forever throught all known and unknown markets. Your constant trasmission of these modules are clearly punishable by law as laid out in Section 241 of The California Penal Code, a portion of which states:

(a) An assault is punishable by a fine not exceeding one thousand dollars ($1,000), or by imprisonment in the county jail not exceeding six months, or by both the fine and imprisonment.

The offending programs are as follows:


Trading Sposes
Nanny 911
Cops
and
Fox News

We hope that you will comply and, please be advised, that any overtures in the form of fine food and drink is valued highly.


As always,

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Z. BIRNBAUM

Posted by Zachary Birnbaum | 09:01 AM | Comments (0)