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August 24, 2007

Verizon's So-Called "Test Man" Exposed


For the record I submit new evidence, which my firm, Birnbaum Coleman & Turchynsky has recently acquired, proving Verizon, its assigns, baby mamas, party jokes and myriad brown nosers to be, clearly, a set of devious criminals simply begging for their buttocks to be reddened by the stern hand of Law.

You may know this individual as "Test Man," "The Verizon Guy" for those in California and the "Can you hear me know? Good!" guy to those in the South. To many, this individual represents all that is decent and, yes, legal.


However, behold this cunning trickster:


Not only does this subversive marginal (one Paul Marcarelli) have the easiest job in the(se) (United) States, but, as the evidence shows, he is satisfied squandering his fortune away in cheap hotels, smoking marijuana cigarettes, dressing up as a sailor and reaching for his genitals as if he were one Curtis Jackson aka 50 Cent.

To Mr. Marcarelli I say:


Get off the dope and submit adequately chilled lager, appropriate accompanying foodstuffs and a clean Dutch harlot to our expansive offices at once (or, at least, by Monday) lest we release the remainder of the series (with, of course, the joint permission of Robert Blake and Chaka Kahn) which you and I both know is LESS than flattering.

Yours in Christ,


Posted by Zachary Birnbaum | 08:59 AM | Comments (0)

March 22, 2004

Test Man: Guilty of harrassment and trespassing!!!

On behalf of my clients The Sprint Guy, The Dell Guy, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Carrot Top, James Earle Jones, The Enzyte Guy and, surprisingly, The Blue Man Group, I would like to express my disgust with your incessant and unabashed obsessive-compulsive public telephoning. Furthermore, the Offices of Birnbaum Coleman & Turchynsky are in possession of evidence that you illegally accessed several private properties without permission in the course of your sick game.

You, Mr. Paul Marcarelli — to use your government name — have violated several sections of the California Civil Code and we intend to sue you with much zest and glee.

Luckily, I live a life of ease, vest wealth and several cellular telephone devices of my own for various matters of both business and personal nature. But, for those brave individuals living in my 1984 Toyota Corolla in the parking lot of the Rite-Aid, paying the security guard to look the other way while I consume a steady diet of unauthorized cold "orange chicken" that the people in the dollar ($1) Chinese food establishment, adjacent, discard at days end happen to be watching The Practice on the television of the Rent-A-Center, said individual (which shall in no way be construed as being me, Zach Birnbaum, close associate of Camryn Manheim) would experience much pain and suffering by being forced to endure your psychotic taunting ad infinitum albeit during commercial breaks.

We will not falter, SIR!!

Okay thanks bye,


Posted by Zachary Birnbaum | 11:03 AM | Comments (0)