Tuesday, February 21st 2017
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Dear Mackenzie Phillips,
My organization, Zac's Sue N Chew Limited Liability Corporation (ZSNC.LLC), in association with various others, including, but not limited to Moby, Warren G and Rite-Aid, as well as their therapists, so-called "friends with privledges" and fuck buddies, grow weary of your repeated stalking via this electronic communication interface (ECI). My Client utilizes this ECI for information and self-manipulation, NOT to be spied upon by the like of you.
Your studied aloofnness clarly violates Section 775.5.(d) of the California Harbors and Navigation Code. Please do not underestimate the girth of our throbbing legal aparatus and it's ability to insure swift justice through our sphinchter expanding suit.. Your comments are libelous and damaging!
Therefore, we intend to sue you to the bone. You have engaged in the most heinous form of libel and shall pay with either blood or money. We shall not sit idly by!!!
We have put several unanswered calls into Aquent Staffing and, as soon as arrangements are made, many Temporary employess shall arrive at our gleaming offices to consume organic fruit juice blends and whole grain cakes. When this is completed, they shall be utilized in mounting a legal campaign against you which is sure to leave you sore (however sated and , yet, begging for more).
Make no mistake, we intend to sue you to the bone. All rights reserved.!
However, you can avoid such action by providing: a bottle of MD 20/20, any flavor, a reasonable amount of Tang instant breakfast drink, a garbage pizza and two 4 packs of Boddington's as well as a remote to the APEX A230-B DVD player (WITH the appropriate batteries). and certain MAO inhibitors.
The Choice is yours, SIR, Submit to our random whims or find yourself among the ranks of those unfortunate dolts in the ZLS, LLC naughty files
It behooves you to remit these items immediately as our staff, which includes Dennis Farina, is, at this very moment, being gathered to compile a most heinous suit. Your response here shall be evidence of acceptance of the terms herein..
Very truly yours,
ADDENDUMATIA: ALL STATEMENTS SUBJECT TO CHANGE WITHOUT NOTICE. WE ARE LIABLE FOR ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. A 10% FEE SHALL APPLY WHEN APPLICABLE, WHICH SHALL BE ALWAYS UNLESS CONTESTED BY STING. UNACCEPTABLE!
FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY.