Wednesday, March 21st 2018
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My organization, Birnbaum Entertainment, in association with various others, including, but not limited to Rite-Aid, ViaComm and Ernest Borgenine, as well as their tailors, personal trainers and so-called "friends with privledges", do not take kindly your loading this page without our permission. My Client utilizes this ECI for an anecdote or two, NOT to be spied upon by the like of you.
Your statements have been found to be insulting to Eddie Murphy and in direct violation of Section 1708.5.(d) of the California Civil Code. My client's name has obviously been tarnished and this may or may not translate into a monetary reward off which I will take a small portion.. You want a piece of this, punk?!
Therefore, we intend to sue. You have engaged in the most heinous form of libel and shall pay with either blood or money. Our intermittently well-staffed organization is prepped for battle as is Tootie (from the Facts of Life television serials).
Temporary assigns have refused to work weekends but shall arrive in our offices of Monday or, maybe, Tuesday. By Wednesday, after much juice is consumed and timecards signed, we will get down to the business of mounting a legal campaign which shall, most certainly, make you hoarse from your screams of legal terror. (Many of our assigns will be what is known only as "out of town" for a period of two (2) to sic (sic) (VI) weeks. But most certainly you will be torn to legal shreds sometime within the next two financial quarters or so).
Make no mistake, we intend to sue. Unacceptable!!
However, you can avoid such action by providing: (3) CheesyBread, expertly manufactured by the "Little Ceasars" organization, an Apple iPod loaded with the complete works of Men At Work, a bottle of MD 20/20, any flavor as well as One (1) Dexy's Midnight Runner 's CD entitled "TOO-RYE-AY" (the 1981 original; a rare item which we expect to be delivered in fair to good condition) and five golden rings.
The choice remains with you, SIR, Submit to out demands or drown in a deep sea of legal imbroglio
It behooves you to remit these items immediately as our staff, which includes Robert Gulliume, is, at this very moment, being gathered to compile a most heinous suit. We sincerely hope that we can resolve this issue in a manner pleasing to one Gabe Kaplan.
CONTEST RULES: ALL INVOICES MUST BE PAID BEFORE THE FUCKING IS TO COMMENCE. ANY DISPUTES WILL BE HANDLES SOLELY BY DIRK BENEDICT OR, IN THE EVENT THAT HE IS UNKNOWN AND / OR "WASHED UP", LEIF GARRETT. SERVE WITH LEMON ZEST GARNISH. UNBELIEVABLE!
FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY.